At 08:47 hours, Agent Quacksworth initiated Phase 1 of Operation Quack Domination — a ten-year plan to infiltrate world governments through a network of duck-shaped sleeper agents disguised as decorative pond ornaments. Phase 1 lasted approximately four minutes before catastrophic failure was declared.
The agent was discovered not by rival intelligence, advanced surveillance, or counter-espionage. He was discovered because he could not stop making quacking sounds during a silent infiltration sequence. Security footage confirmed he also waddled directly through a laser grid he had been briefed on extensively.
Preliminary assessment indicates the root cause of mission failure is, fundamentally, being a duck. Secondary contributing factors include: an inability to operate doorknobs, a briefcase that was actually just a loaf of bread, and the agent's insistence on wearing a trench coat that was visibly too large and smelled like pond water.
The Waterfowl Intelligence Division notes this is the 17th consecutive failed mission by Agent Quacksworth, and the 43rd consecutive failed mission for the division as a whole since its founding in 1987. We remain, as ever, deeply committed to world domination and will try again next Tuesday.
Ducks are, definitively and by all measurable metrics, lame. The penguin ninja clans were not even involved in this failure. They didn't need to be. The ducks handled it themselves. This report has been filed under "Yeah, that's about right" and cross-referenced with every other report this division has ever produced. They all say the same thing.